Dream On

Here is a copy of a letter I wrote about two years ago to a friend of mine about some dreams that I had. I found it the other day when i was cleaning out some old things. It made me laugh so I decided to share it with anyone else who cares to take the time to read it.
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It is four in the morning as I am writing this. I promised you that I would tell you about any dreams that I have had. I just had a couple of really weird ones and I wanted to make sure to live up to my promises before the details slip from my memory.

Alright. So here is the first one. Somehow I got trapped with Scully and Mulder from the X-files in an alternate dimension. We were driving around in a station wagon looking for a way out, but we couldn't really get anywhere because the demon who was the lord of this particular dimension was making the ground move as we drove instead of the car. It was like we were on a giant tread mill. So eventually we just parked so that we could walk. Then it turned out that we had parked at the demon's house. So we went in. The demon wanted us to teach him about all kinds of Internet scams so that he could use that knowledge to become powerful in our world. We refused to tell him about the internet stuff, but wanted to explain how he could make a fortune by selling cleaning products on TV instead. So the demon was angry. We did battle. Mostly I watched. Scully stood in the middle of the room and kept yelling "Mulder!" Mulder, as it turns out, was spiderman. He immediately changed into his spiderman costume and started swinging around the room, which had changed into what looked like a charcoal sketch of a darkened new york city back alley. The demon also had a spiderman costume so he changed into spiderman as well, but you could tell he wasn't the real spiderman because his demon bat wings were sticking out of the back still. Spidermulder and spiderdemon fought over scully for a little bit, while I kept trying all of the doors in the alley to see if there was a way out. Mulder discovered that the demon (being the lord of that particular dimension) had omnipotent power. So Mulder told Scully that, and the two of them both agreed that the demon was cheating. They also agreed that the demon's cheap knock off spiderman costume wasn't as cool as mulder's real spiderman costume. For these two reason's the demon was forced to accept defeat which disappointed him greatly. The demon now had to let us leave and he was very sad, because as it turns out all he really wanted was some friends and he just didn't know how to go about aquiring them properly. Well we had to leave no matter what, but as an alternative to friends, I gave the demon a couple of those automatic vacuum cleaner robots. You know the little circular ones that spin around on the floor and clean everything up throughout the day. We left his house as he was watching the vacuum robots clean his floors. When we got to the parking lot we found that our station wagon had been jacked. Even in an alternate universe someone stole our ride. So we had to walk. Fortunately there was a beach near by with a bunch of people. We were hungry so we stopped at a taco stand on the beach for breakfast.

This next one isn't so bizarre, but it made me wake up because I got whacked at the end. For some reason Electra was trying to get revenge on me for killing her father (which happened in the movie except I wasn't the one who killed him) So I was on this boat with my kids and Jon and Amber's kids. I was the only grown up there so I was in charge. Naturally. Electra's sneaky ninja boat crept up along side of us and she and her cronies attempted to board my ship and take over. So I fought with her. She threw a dart at me with some poison on it. So I caught the dart with the end of the stick i was using as a club. Then I flicked her own dart back at her and caught her with it right in the chest. It was awesome. Then she passed out because of the drugs on it. Then I battled the guy who had just disabled the engines of my boat. The whole time I kept yelling at the kids to finish their cereal. They were sitting at a small table and were being very disruptive. I couldn't concentrate on fighting off the bad guys while the kids kept making noise. So I pushed the guy into the water and he started to climb back in. He had a big Rambo knife, but somehow I had gotten a hold of one of Jonathon's swords. So I waved it at him and he decided to jump back into the water. I didn't want to kill him so i let him go. Now that all the fighting was done, I yelled at the kids to keep eating one more time. Then I had to choose between fixing the motor or tying up electra so that I could stop worrying about when she was going to wake up and attack me again. Foolishly I chose to work on the engine. So with my back turned to everything else I started trying to figure out the problem. I looked back and found that all of the kids had been taken. It had happened so fast and so quietly that only a ninja could have done so. Elektra was no where to be seen. She had been pretending to be unconscious the whole time so that she could take the kids without having to fight me directly for them because she knew that I was a better fighter. I could see her boat sailing away with the kids all on board but before I could go after them the guy that i had been unwilling to kill jumped out of nowhere and garroted me. that is when I woke up. If I ever get into a situation in a dream where i am going to die, I always wake up.

As I was typing all of that I realized that even though I haven't seen a movie with elektra in it, I did happen to glance over jessicrap's myspace page this evening. She says on it that if she was a superhero that she would want to be elektra. It has a picture of elektra and everything. So psychoanalyze away.

Objects of My Affection

Bright as the sunrise warm as the sunset
Light shines on love that hasn't quite been yet
I know a girl who's more than an eyeful
Her name is Chelsie and she's quite delightful

Beautiful eyes are distinctly unmissable
A pleasant smile, her full lips most kissable
Long flowing hair that is soft as an angels
Slim feminine curves bend at just the right angles
Warm to the touch is her radiant skin
That glows with the promise of passions within

A queenly beauty is she
A finer specimen of womanhood I'll never see
Clear is the reason for my obsession
Now forgive me please Chelsie I must make a confession
No doubt in my mind you are the loveliest of creatures
Whether I study you whole or just your more interesting features
But the one thing that really drives me out of my wits
Is thinking about those awesome rockin' tits

No self control set my wandering eye seeking
Doubtless to say you've already caught me peaking
Like a ship lost at sea in a furious storm
I'm trapped in the waves of your womanly form
So please keep in mind, I'm just doing my best
To celebrate the joys of your magnificent chest

They fill out your clothes just as they should
Be proud to know, darlin' they give my wood
Full round and firm, my thoughts are all sinful
I don't know yet for sure, but I'll bet they're a handful
Real or fake matters not in the least to me
Stop holding them back and let them be free

Chelsie please don't be cross that I've spoken my mind
And just so you know, I also like your behind
I have no excuse for my improper behavior
But for the hope of your grace, I'll ask you a favor
At the end of this rhyme so charming and witty
Chelsie, Beautiful Chelsie, please won't you show me some titty?

Dear Tribute MasterCard

A few months back Tribute MasterCard honored me with an unsolicited credit card offer. It was an insultingly poor offer. In fact it was the worst offer of credit that I have ever received. In response, I sent them the follow letter. I have not heard back from them since:


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Feb 12, 2008

To the Management of Tribute MasterCard

This letter is in regards to the recent offer I received in the mail from your company for an unsecured line of credit. I would like to thank you for your interest in establishing a business relationship with me and also to congratulate you. Your offer has the distinction of being the single worst unsolicited credit card offer I have ever received. This is no small accomplishment. In the past year I have received a variety of remarkably terrible offers from your competitors, but none of them stand out quite like the offer I received from Tribute MasterCard.

A few of the exciting features that caught my eye as I considered your offer were the low introductory 29.99 annual percentage rate, and the complementary 35.99% rate for delinquencies and cash advances. Also of note the easily affordable $99.00 annual fee and one time $29.99 fee for opening the account. I see that your company has gone out of its way to provide its customers with their well deserved opportunity to experience all of the opulence and rewards of credit card debt without requiring them to engage in the hassle of making purchases. Perhaps the most noteworthy aspect of this entire prospect is that I am merely pre-qualified for this offer. There is still the possibility that, even if I were to deliberately request this credit card from you, I won’t actually qualify to take advantage of this terrific opportunity.

I can’t imagine why you think that this offer is in any way reasonable, or ethical, or that I would even be interested in such a completely ridiculous arrangement. As you may already be aware, my credit history can be easily described as somewhat imperfect. While this may indicate that I might take certain liberties with my personal finances from time to time, it should in no way suggest to you that I am a complete idiot. It should also not suggest to you that I am completely desperate for credit opportunities. Perhaps you assume that my credit rating makes me a poor risk and that I may be likely to borrow money from you without repaying it. If that is the case, I would like to make a suggestion that will lend brevity to this entire process. Instead of going through the hassle of making such a ridiculous offer in the first place, simply send me a certified check for an amount you feel you would like for me to steal from you. Thank you for your interest, but after careful consideration, I have decided not to take advantage of your offer at this time.

Regards,

Brian Merrill

Titans

In an age of mystery, at a time of legend, in a realm of wonder, when beasts of incomprehensible savagery roamed freely through the land and gallant heroes emerged to vanquish them, two warriors crossed paths on the Golden Plains of the Righteous Kings. Valinor, honored Knight of the Consecrated Guard and the bravest of High Lord Ackimar's centaur warriors, returning home from war with the loathsome Hordes of Abomination came suddenly upon a foul and dreadful Minotaur. The rippling bronzed skin of the half-man half-bull shimmered vibrantly in the noon day sun, it's heavily muscled chest heaved with every gasp of its horrid breath, and its malevolent eyes bore down upon Valinor with the wickedness of a thousand murders. "Ho!" called Valinor to the contemptible beast, "Stand aside so that I may pass." In reply the Minotaur smote the ground furiously with its mighty hoof, and spat out its hatred for all things noble, and snorted its distain at the dauntless centaur, and stood barring the way in arrogance. Knowing that the depraved beast must be destroyed, Valinor hefted his axe and raised his shield and fearlessly charged forward. The clash of the titans had begun...

(The best part of this whole project was when we took the picture of Jonathon for the Minotaur. Amber stood in the doorway the whole time begging him to put his clothes back on and come in the house.)

Not For Human Consumption

My house mates left me alone for the weekend again. Off to visit their relatives, it was just me and the dogs (that I was now responsible for by default) at the house for a couple of days. Since the animals spend most of their time in the back yard where they belong, and I spend most of my time in the house where I belong, it didn't bother me so much to cohabitate with them for two days. It was really only during meal times that I ever bothered to interact with them at all. For some reason the dogs seem to really enjoy their meals. They would get very excited every time I came out of the house with a bowl of chow, that is until I put the bowl of food within their reach. Then they would have nothing do with me, preferring instead to focus all of their energy at devouring the delicious food they had been presented with.

While standing outside with the animals, and having nothing better to do while they munched away at their food, I glanced at the package of the dog food and noticed that it was clearly labeled "Not For Human Consumption." This seemed a bit redundant to me. Since dog food is (as it obviously states) dog food, and not human food, it would stand to reason that dogs should eat it and not humans. If it were human food, wouldn't it have been called "Human Food," instead of "Dog Food?"

At that moment two things occurred to me. First of all, a warning label is usually only put on a product after some one has done something really stupid as an attempt to discourage any further stupidity. This of course means that someone, somewhere, at sometime, was eating dog food and the dog food companies are now required to clearly label their products as "Not For Human Consumption" in an effort dissuade those who may reason otherwise. Secondly, people are often times too stupid to recognize the things that should not be eaten on their own.

Even with the wide variety of dietary choices we omnivorous humans tend to enjoy, nature has still managed to provided us with a world full of things that should never been eaten (or even nibbled on or licked). Recognizing his own foolishness, man has devoted the powers of his wisdom and intellect to developing a literacy system specifically so that the things that should be eaten can clearly be labeled and set apart from the things that should not be eaten, which are also clearly labeled. While this system has been working with a degree of success since the advent of cuneiform, there are still a number of items found in nature that have never been properly labeled and are mistakenly eaten by humans on a regular basis. This behavior must stop.

In an effort to raise awareness about some of the mistakes that man has made in his dietary selection over the years, I have compiled a list of some of the more troubling items that all to commonly and errantly found in the "acceptable to eat" category.

1. Babies: It may seem unthinkable to most of us that a baby would be served up as an entree, but when was the last time you looked a baby over and saw that it was clearly marked "Not For Human Consumption?" Don't forget, some idiot ate dog food because it wasn't labeled. Who really wants to see that happen to a baby? And when was the last time you saw some young mother nibbling playfully on her baby's chubby little legs or arms? It may seem harmless enough at first, but nibbling leads to biting, and biting leads to eating. So let's address this situation before something tragic happens. Babies are not food and are not for eating.

2. Poop: Once again, this item is generally assumed to be in the "Not For Human Consumption" category, but as the internet has proven in recent months, all one really needs is a video camera and a mouth full of turds to get attention and make money. Poop is not for eating. Most poop was at one time something that may have been very suitable for eating, but once it has passed through the digestive track of someone or some animal, it looses any of its eatablity that it formerly had. Even if you really enjoyed eating it the first time, you can't just eat it again and relive the magic. Once it's been pooped, that's it. It's over with. Let it go and move on. So no more eating poop.

3. Mushrooms: I see people making this mistake all the time. Mushrooms should never be eaten by a human. Mushrooms grow on poop. They take all of their nourishment from the turds you shouldn't be eating in the first place. Since poop should not be eaten, mushrooms should not be eaten either. There needs to be at least two degrees of separation between the food people poop out and the food that grows on the poop that's been pooped. So it would be alright to feed mushrooms to an animal that you intended to eat later as long as you don't eat the mushrooms yourself. Also, mushrooms taste terrible. So from now on mushrooms are "Not For Human Consumption."

4. Mayonnaise: A pox on the French for their cursed mayonnaise! Mayonnaise and other mayonnaise like products should never be eaten. (Most French cuisine should always be looked upon with suspicion anyways) Mayonnaise is comprised primarily of vegetable oil (which is not so bad) and egg yokes which are actually parts of babies. It tastes disgusting and it looks like semen. While it may be acceptable in certain intimate situations for a lover to imbibe the seminal fluids of her partner, I think that we can all agree that it should never be spread on a sandwich. There is something terribly wrong with the food service industry in that it is assumed that everybody wants mayonnaise all over every goddamn thing. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Unlike most unwanted condiments that can be easily removed after they have mistakenly found their way onto food, mayonnaise pollutes everything it touches and destroys what could have been a perfectly good meal. Mayonnaise should be labeled "Not For Human Consumption," and fed to prison inmates in third world countries.

5. Dogs: In some cultures it is acceptable to eat dogs. I see this as a mistake. Dogs are usually fairly useful animals. They can perform a variety of tasks that make them worth having around. Unlike cats (that should be killed whenever possible regardless of any intentions of actually eating them), dogs tend to earn their keep. Compare the usefulness of a dog to another domesticated animal like a cow. What do cows do? Stand around and eat grass? What good is that? I am all for eating cows, but if you have cows to eat why would anyone ever need to eat a dog? Eat chickens, or even fish. Don't eat dogs. There's just no sense in it.

6. Tomatoes: Are they fruit? Are they vegetables? Who cares. They are ambiguous and disgusting. Like mayonnaise, tomatoes are found everywhere for some unexplainable reason and foul everything they touch with their tomato innards. Tomatoes tend to ruin food that would have otherwise been very good. They have managed to find their way into and ruin pastas, pizzas, sandwiches, salsas, tacos, and most anything else. Once a tomato has infested a food it is impossible to get the stink out by simply removing it. So no more tomatoes. They are "Not For Human Consumption."

7. Worms: Sometimes during childhood, worms are eaten on a dare. This is unfortunate. Worms do not make good food. They crawl around in the mud (and poop that is found in the mud) and are very filthy and disgusting. They are easy enough to catch and make for a filling and convenient snack the day after a good hard rain, but this behavior should be frowned upon. Don't eat worms. Instead, feed them to fish and then eat the fish.

8. Animal Genitals: Honestly. Do we really need to discuss this? It amazes me the number of people I have met who have proudly proclaimed their love of rocky mountain oysters (which is a fancy way of saying bull testicles). "Try them," is what I always hear from these people. "How do you know you won't like them if you never try them?" Let me answer that question as concisely as possible: I am perfectly satisfied with my life and can live happily for the rest of my days if I never ever take the time to find out what a bull's testicles taste like. I don't understand how these jackasses can sit brazenly in a restaurant full of other people and pretend to be sophisticated, and cultured, and worldly, and smile all the while holding onto a mouthful of balls. Do not eat animal genitals (or genitals of any kind). Balls are "Not For Human Consumption."

9. Communion Wafers: I stopped going to church because of these things. When Jesus broke bread and gave it to the disciples and said "it is my body, eat it and remember me," he wasn't passing around a stale, 10 year old, economical piece of balsa wood. I know that the ritual is supposed to be symbolic, but could it at least include real food? Don't eat communion wafers. Wait until everyone meets for brunch after the service and say a little prayer over a crouton at the salad bar. Communion wafers are "Not For Human Consumption."

10. Other people: This may seem redundant to the first rule about not eating babies, but I assure you that it is a completely seperate issue. Most babies that get eaten are done so on accident. "I don't know what happened. The baby was just so delicious looking." Cannibalism is usually a very deliberate act. You don't just accidentally eat a whole person. It has been suggested that a little cannibalism here and there might be a good solution for world hunger (less mouths to feed and more to feed them with) but it is really quite barbaric. Nobody likes being turned into poop, so lets all agree to follow the golden rule here and agree to not eat one another. People are "Not For Human Consumption."

This list is by no means comprehensive. If you come across other items in nature that you think you shouldn't eat, feel free to use your own judgment and don't eat them.