Infrared

I used to think that having infrared vision would be a pretty cool super power. There are a lot of useful things a superhero can do with infrared vision. You can see in the dark. You can identify dangerous devices that are dependent on a power source like a bomb. You can find people that are hiding behind walls or in trees, or track just about anything with a heat source. Infrared has a lot of nifty applications in the super hero biz. It's a good supplemental power to have to compliment some of the other more standard powers like being able to fly or invulnerability.

The really cool thing about infrared vision is that it isn't just a silly notion that exists only in the make believe world of comic books. There are devices available for sale to the general public that bring the sensory delights of infrared imaging to the common man. Presently infrared imaging technology is being used for all kinds of interesting and useful things like home inspections, automotive diagnostics, mold detection and so on. The price of these devices has dropped considerably as the technology has been refined over the years. No longer relegated to the world of superheros and super spies, I imagine that one day most everyone will have infrared vision capabilities of some kind or another. It is a future we should beware of, because as cool as it may seem, and as useful as it may be, there is a darker side to infrared vision. Read on, and consider yourself warned.

Infrared imaging is often call heat vision or thermal imaging. That is not exactly correct. It doesn't "see" heat specifically. I do not pretend to know the science of how it works exactly, but there is a definite correlation between the amount of heat an object has and the way it is perceived through an infrared viewer. So the hotter something is, the better it shows up especially when compared to something colder. That is what makes infrared imaging so useful. It can visually identify heat sources. Now what concerns me is that there is something that all human beings do that most certainly should not be visually identified. You see, when pressures build up in the lower abdomen a release of that pressure is required in order to maintain an equilibrium. Excess gases mixing in the digestive system known as flatus are expelled out of the rectum in what is commonly referred to as a fart. A fart exits the body at a balmy 98.6 degrees and meets with the outside air which is commonly much cooler. An infrared camera detects the difference in the temperatures of the fart and the air around it and the result is a swirling cloud that suddenly appears out from between the buttocks and envelopes the lower regions of the farter. In some instances this cloud can be seen hanging around for awhile until it is carried away by the wind.

The implications here should be obvious. In a world where infrared imaging is becoming more and more common, gone are the days when a man can steal a quite moment alone in an isolated corner of the room and discretely honk one off. Everyone would see him do it and react accordingly. I am of the opinion that a fart should be smelled and not seen. I prefer the current fart detection system we humans employ; You know, the one involving a sudden wrinkling of the nose followed by some nervous giggling that we are all so familiar with. Others may argue in favor of an infrared imaging powered early warning system, but I say ignorance is bliss. Let us consider for a moment that as of September 2007 the world population is estimated to be 6.7 billion. With the average healthy person farting anywhere from 6 to 20 times a day, that comes out to roughly 40.2 to 134 billion fart clouds present on the planet on any given day and that doesn't include burps, queefs, and animal farts. Could you really live in a world in which you are constantly trying to dodge 134 billion visible clouds of potentially unpleasant air? That would be enough to drive someone mad. Mother Nature designed farts to be invisible for a reason. Besides, if a man farts in the woods and no one is around, does it make a smell? I think not.

Even as a superhero, you cannot escape unfortunate unintended results of infrared vision's use. Imagine hanging out in the Hall of Justice with the Super Friends and a hero meeting was about to start. You see Superman sneaking back over to rejoin the rest of the group with a contented smile on his face that says he thinks he just got away with something sly. "Nay nay, Superman! You just super poohed! I saw it with my infrared vision. " Now you have gone and compromised yourself by outing a man with X-ray vision. All the infrared imaging in the world won't save you from the payback you can look forward to. Far be it from me to blatantly mock the man of steel, but maybe it's best to not be confronted with such a temptation in the first place.

As cool as infrared vision is, I am afraid that I am just going to have to cross that one off of my list.

Robin

The internet claims to know the name of my love soul mate. An obnoxious yet colorful ad with lots of glittery letters and some candy like sparkling twinkling thingies appears on my screen every time I log on to check my messages. I am annoyed by this foolish ad every time I see it, but I can't help staring at the stupid thing. I haven't actually found my own love soul mate as of yet. In the past I have had to settle for temporarily borrowing other people's love soul mates from time to time to get me by. It would be nice to finally have a love soul mate of my own. So as gaudy and intrusive as this seemingly innocent blip of multimedia inanity is, I secretly gaze at it and harbor vain fantasies of who my love soul mate might be.

The rational side of my brain tells me that it is preposterous to think that the internet might know the true name of my love soul mate. This is clearly a trap. I shouldn't even bother to ask the internet what my love soul mate's name is. That way lies Spam email and junk credit card offers that will clutter my end table. The internet can't possibly know for sure and even if it did, it would probably lie.

But...what if the internet really does know the name of my love soul mate and was genuinely interested in disclosing that information to me? You never know. It could happen. Knowing the name of my love soul mate would certainly narrow the search by a considerable degree. In fact just knowing the first letter of her first name could be pretty handy.

Despite the gnawing desire to know the name of my love soul mate, I find myself reluctant to answer that ad and ask the internet to share it's knowledge. I can't figure out exactly why I hesitate. What if I have been too jaded by the results of other false advertising gimmicks and broken promises? What if all that disappointment I have suffered in the past from other shameless promoters has made me too afraid to take the kinds of risks necessary for true internet stimulated romance? God forbid that one day in the future I run into my love soul mate at the grocery store, but don't recognize her because I was too afraid of a ridiculous marketing ploy to get her name from what could have been a very credible source? How could I let threat of a little junk email make me miss out on my one chance for true happiness in life? This is a critical juncture of my life and it's time, for good or for ill, to make a choice.

So, ignoring my instincts and all the blaring alarms of common sense sounding vigorously in my head, I choose to take the bait of this obvious trap and see just what the internet has to say about my love soul mate. It turns out that getting the name of your love soul mate from the internet is annoying. There are a bunch of forms to fill out and questions to answer and lots of pesky personal information that has to be revealed to total strangers before the question of love soul mates is even addressed.

It turns out that my love soul mate's name is Robin. Well of course it is. It couldn't be any other name. The internet told me so and the internet is wise. Her name is Robin. Where have you been all my life, Robin? I hope you aren't fat. At first I am very excited. This is going to be easy. Now that I have my love soul mate's name, all I have to do is type her name into a search and - Presto! - instant internet love soul mate gratification!

My enthusiasm hasn't lasted long. Shortly after I began the search for my beloved Robin two critical and disturbing pieces of information occur to me and the implications have left me shaken and in doubt of all that I once thought to be certain . The first is that, despite the key advantage of knowing my love soul mate's name, Robin is a fairly common name. There are a lot of people on the internet named Robin. The results for the name Robin number in the tens of thousands. So my chances of randomly happening on the right Robin are still significantly less than 0.0001%. As tantalizingly close as she may seem, she is still forever lost in the ambiguous results of an internet search engine. The second, and quite horrifying revelation is that Robin does not necessarily have to be the name of a woman. This of course leaves the distinct and frightening possibility that the internet thinks my love soul mate is a man. I find this to be most disconcerting.

So I have this proposal for you Robin, whoever you are. If you are a beautiful single woman who has been missing her love soul mate all her life, you need look no farther. I am right here. The internet wants us to be together. I have the spam email to prove it. You should IM me some time. We can go for coffee or something and then end up getting married two weeks later in an ill conceived whirlwind romance. And if you are a beautiful single woman who isn't named Robin, but you are willing to legally change your name to Robin for the sake of ill conceived whirlwind romances, the above applies to you as well. I want to hear from you, baby. But if you are a man, and your name is Robin, and you are my internet appointed love soul mate, I will make you this offer...You stay in your closet, and I will stay in mine and we need never speak of this again.