Gay Bagel

I walked into Starbucks the other day expecting to be irritated. I hate Starbucks. I hate the whole psuedo-Italian culture that place tries to pass off while pushing overpriced drinks with unnecessarily complex names. Just because you put the word "gourmet" in front of a foreign sounding menu item doesn't mean you have any call to put on airs about it. I hate that they make a simple thing like a cup of coffee unnecessarily complicated. It's all the same crap anyways, why do they insist on deceiving their customers with choices? The worst thing about Starbucks is the other customers that are usually there. It's always crowded with people who drive better cars than I do, and have more money than me and think that their time is more valuable than mine. It's bad enough when I have to wait in line at a place I actually like to be, but it's almost more than I can stand when the guy ahead of me at the counter is too busy talking into his stupid bluetooth cell phone head set while pointing his coffee snob nose in the air trying to figure out what kind of frappa-dappa-crappa-bullshit-chino that he wants this time to make a decision and goddamn order already.

As much as I hate that place, I do end up going there from time to time. It's supposed to be fast and easy for the coffee snob on the go. I found a Starbuck not far from where I live that I thought would be okay to buy coffee from occasionally. It's hidden just off the 15 freeway inside of a shopping center next to a movie theater. With a Starbucks on every corner it's ironic that I go out of my way to find the most secluded one in Southern California. Usually this place is so out of the way that it's completely empty at six in the morning. Most of the pretentious irritating snobs that make Starbucks so unpleasant are standing in an absurdly long line at a more so-called-convenient location. Up until recently, this had been my favorite place to stop for a quick coffee in the morning on the few occasions that I desired as much.

Now I always order the same thing when I go to Starbucks, a large coffee and a plain bagel. I like to keep things as simple as possible. That's how I present the order to the cashier ( I refuse to use the self important title of barista, unless I am making fun of them). When I get up to the counter and they address me with their over-practiced-too-cheerful-for-six-o'clock-in-the-morning
greeting, I grunt, "Large coffee and a plain bagel." Occasionally there is some confusion because I didn't order a venti coffee and I didn't specify if the bagel was to be toasted or not, but for the most part this approach eliminates most of the unnecessary complexities of placing an order at Starbucks.

A few days ago - And we shall refer to this day as the last day I will ever go to Starbucks again - I had stopped at my "favorite" Starbucks to get a quick cup of coffee and a bagel. On my previous visits this had been a simple enough errand. Most of the counter people there could interpret my irritated grunts and pointing, and there hadn't been a problem. On this particular day - the last day I will ever go to Starbucks again - the regular staff that I had become accustom to seeing there had been replaced by new much more energetic and helpful people. In fact, these people were deliberately helpful which I think was wholly uncalled for. This was the barista dream team, the super stars of Starbucks. It was the corporate shareholder's wet dream of Starbucks personal behavior. It was like walking into one of those company training videos where everyone acts and responds to situations in predictably unbelievable ways. I was the only one there who hadn't been briefed on the script.

I slapped the three bucks I had in my hand down on the counter and grunted my usual order at the most annoying woman I have ever met. This woman was way too excited to be working behind the counter of a Starbucks and I could tell that she wore the Starbucks smock a little too proudly. Everything about her said that she believed that serving coffee at a Starbucks was the great accomplishment of her life. She had drunk a little too deeply of the wine of Starbucks culture and the sickness that now polluted her life was vomited back at anyone who got too close. So when I said to her that I wanted a large coffee and plain bagel, that just wasn't simple enough.

"Was that a venti, a grande, or a tall coffee?" she asked as though she didn't just hear me say that I wanted a large. Before I could answer she was off on a coffee fueled tirade. She took a step back and indicated the row of coffee makers behind her that I was previously unaware of. "Would you like the house breakfast blend, our special urba blend, or we also have an arabic blend which is a little bolder than the rest. The house blend has a healthy aroma that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." On and on she went about the virtues of the various coffee selections. My eyes glazed over and I leaned on the counter. This was way more help than I needed at that time in the morning. What the hell happened to just regular coffee?

"Just give me the regular one," I said as I pointed vaguely in a random direction. I had hoped that she would be able to draw a conclusion on her own.

"Okay, but we have three blends this morning. Did you want the breakfast blend, the urba blend the blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." I didn't care, but I didn't want to say that I didn't care which one she poured into the cup. Telling a Starbucks idiot that you don't care what kind of coffee you drink is just asking for a coffee snob argument.

"Just give me the one that you normally have," I said waving my hand dismissively

"Okay, but was that the breakfast blend, the urba blend, the blah blah blah blah blah..."

I looked around the room half expecting to see a clown or one of those mirrors that distorts your features and makes you look too tall or too fat, or a lion tamer or something. Breakfast was quickly turning into a circus. I pulled my hand down over my face and steadied my nerves. It was going to take a lot more effort than I thought for something simple to happen this morning.

"This is what I want you to do," I said deliberately at her as she smiled back idiotically. "Take the biggest cup that you have..."

"Was that the venti, sir?" she interupted.

"Is that the biggest one you have?" I ask her, my voice rising slightly.

"Yes it is." she nodded.

"Then that must be the one I want." She picked up the cup and smiled back pleasantly waiting for further instructions. "Now I want you to pour the most normal coffee you have into that cup," I said as I deliberately pointed to the cup in her hand to remove any further possibility of confusion, "and then give it to me to drink." That all seemed simple enough to me.

She turned back to the three coffee makers on the back counter and was immediately confused again. "Was that the house blend, the urba ble..."

"The most normal coffee you have in this entire building!" I yelled.

Apparently normal coffee does not exist in Starbucks. After a few moments of indecisiveness she said, "I'll just give you the house blend today. It's got a very mild flavor."

"Awesome," I grunted irritatedly as I took the coffee from her. Apparently the house blend is normal enough.

After a minor scuffle about the details of my plain bagel - was it to be toasted, was it to have cream cheese, did I want butter, etc. - I stepped back to wait. She pleasantly handed the chore of bagel preparation to her equally annoying coworker. This was a man in his mid forties. As he very cheerfully moved about, I couldn't help but wonder what horrible wrong turns he took in life to end up smiling behind the counter of a Starbucks at his age. Nobody in grade school that I can remember ever said, "I want to be a barista when I grow up!" There he was, and happy to be there too. What alternative to Starbucks could have been worse to make him smile so much in his role as a fast food service employee? Prison? Drug addiction? Divorce? Homelessness? The military? Maybe he had voted Democrat at some point in his life? Who could say.

I was already irritated by the row I had over my coffee selection that morning, but I was content to wait patiently for the oldest man working at Starbucks to finish with my bagel. It wasn't long after the whole toasting and buttering process was completed that I was unnecessarily annoyed by a Starbucks employee for the second time that morning. Holding my bagel high in the air, the oldest man working at Starbucks sang, "I've got one plain bagel with butter!" That's right. He sang, and in no particular tune. Maybe he forgot that he was at work and not in his shower at home, but for some reason my plain bagel brought him so much joy that he broke out in song about it. "I've got one plain bagel with butter! Oh, one plain bagel with butter!" Over and over he sang that line calling to me to take the bagel from him.

Shamefully I raised my hand to indicate that the joyous bagel belonged to me. He didn't see me. Instead he turned and walked to the far end of the counter singing all the way. "Oh one plain bagel with butter!" Of course I was irritated by this. I couldn't help but wonder where that strange man was going, and why was he singing to my fucking bagel? Perhaps that bagel meant something to him that it didn't mean to anyone else. Perhaps that bagel signified that he no longer was locked up in prison, or that he no longer was addicted to drugs. Maybe he was finally free of a bad marriage, or he had a home at last. It could have been that he had just gotten out of the military, or maybe he had just finally realized that he no longer had to vote Democrat to be politically and morally conscientious. Who knows? Those are all perfectly good reasons to sing, but what it was that made him want to serenade my bagel that morning is still a mystery. What I did know for certain is that if I wanted my bagel I was going to have to chase down this middle aged weirdo, and take it from him singing or no.

I caught up with him at the far end of the store where was continuing to sing. Cleverly working our brief conversation into his song, he sang out, "Is this your plain bagel with butter sir?"

"Yes," I hissed at him. I snatched the bagel from him and glanced quickly at the handful of other customers who had wandered in during all of this nonsense. They all heard him singing to my bagel too, but none of them looked as irritated by this as I was. I spun around and made a move for the side exit. It was locked. The store had just recently opened, and no one had bothered to unbolt the side door. I was going to have to walk all the way back through the store with the weirdo still singing to my bagel despite the fact that he was no longer in possession of it.

"Oh, one plain bagel with butter!" he wailed on as I ran through the store. "You have a good morning sir and enjoy your plain bagel with bu..."

Enough.

I pushed through the door and was outside before he could finish his ballad. I sat down in my car and shook my head at how emotionally exhausting a large coffee and a plain bagel had been this morning. As I drove away, I sipped at my drink and tried not to think about the stupid aroma or how mild the blend was or whatever nonsense that pain in the ass had been prattling on about. My bagel sat lonely in the empty passenger seat waiting for me to eat it. Every time I reached for it, that weirdo's bagel song filled my brain and I was forced to leave the bagel lying where it was. Thanks a lot you singing asshole. Now my bagel is gay.

I threw the gender confused bagel out the window as I swung into a McDonald's drive through. No one there argued with me over the size, or blend of my coffee, and no one sung to me about my egg mcmuffin. So what if the food there was greasy and disgusting and may my intestines complain bitterly for hours after I had eaten! It was simple and easy and not irritating. I had hoped that Starbucks would have been so accommodating, but I guess that's just too much to ask for from a bunch of coffee snobs. I will never go to a Starbucks again.