Infrared

I used to think that having infrared vision would be a pretty cool super power. There are a lot of useful things a superhero can do with infrared vision. You can see in the dark. You can identify dangerous devices that are dependent on a power source like a bomb. You can find people that are hiding behind walls or in trees, or track just about anything with a heat source. Infrared has a lot of nifty applications in the super hero biz. It's a good supplemental power to have to compliment some of the other more standard powers like being able to fly or invulnerability.

The really cool thing about infrared vision is that it isn't just a silly notion that exists only in the make believe world of comic books. There are devices available for sale to the general public that bring the sensory delights of infrared imaging to the common man. Presently infrared imaging technology is being used for all kinds of interesting and useful things like home inspections, automotive diagnostics, mold detection and so on. The price of these devices has dropped considerably as the technology has been refined over the years. No longer relegated to the world of superheros and super spies, I imagine that one day most everyone will have infrared vision capabilities of some kind or another. It is a future we should beware of, because as cool as it may seem, and as useful as it may be, there is a darker side to infrared vision. Read on, and consider yourself warned.

Infrared imaging is often call heat vision or thermal imaging. That is not exactly correct. It doesn't "see" heat specifically. I do not pretend to know the science of how it works exactly, but there is a definite correlation between the amount of heat an object has and the way it is perceived through an infrared viewer. So the hotter something is, the better it shows up especially when compared to something colder. That is what makes infrared imaging so useful. It can visually identify heat sources. Now what concerns me is that there is something that all human beings do that most certainly should not be visually identified. You see, when pressures build up in the lower abdomen a release of that pressure is required in order to maintain an equilibrium. Excess gases mixing in the digestive system known as flatus are expelled out of the rectum in what is commonly referred to as a fart. A fart exits the body at a balmy 98.6 degrees and meets with the outside air which is commonly much cooler. An infrared camera detects the difference in the temperatures of the fart and the air around it and the result is a swirling cloud that suddenly appears out from between the buttocks and envelopes the lower regions of the farter. In some instances this cloud can be seen hanging around for awhile until it is carried away by the wind.

The implications here should be obvious. In a world where infrared imaging is becoming more and more common, gone are the days when a man can steal a quite moment alone in an isolated corner of the room and discretely honk one off. Everyone would see him do it and react accordingly. I am of the opinion that a fart should be smelled and not seen. I prefer the current fart detection system we humans employ; You know, the one involving a sudden wrinkling of the nose followed by some nervous giggling that we are all so familiar with. Others may argue in favor of an infrared imaging powered early warning system, but I say ignorance is bliss. Let us consider for a moment that as of September 2007 the world population is estimated to be 6.7 billion. With the average healthy person farting anywhere from 6 to 20 times a day, that comes out to roughly 40.2 to 134 billion fart clouds present on the planet on any given day and that doesn't include burps, queefs, and animal farts. Could you really live in a world in which you are constantly trying to dodge 134 billion visible clouds of potentially unpleasant air? That would be enough to drive someone mad. Mother Nature designed farts to be invisible for a reason. Besides, if a man farts in the woods and no one is around, does it make a smell? I think not.

Even as a superhero, you cannot escape unfortunate unintended results of infrared vision's use. Imagine hanging out in the Hall of Justice with the Super Friends and a hero meeting was about to start. You see Superman sneaking back over to rejoin the rest of the group with a contented smile on his face that says he thinks he just got away with something sly. "Nay nay, Superman! You just super poohed! I saw it with my infrared vision. " Now you have gone and compromised yourself by outing a man with X-ray vision. All the infrared imaging in the world won't save you from the payback you can look forward to. Far be it from me to blatantly mock the man of steel, but maybe it's best to not be confronted with such a temptation in the first place.

As cool as infrared vision is, I am afraid that I am just going to have to cross that one off of my list.