Not For Human Consumption

My house mates left me alone for the weekend again. Off to visit their relatives, it was just me and the dogs (that I was now responsible for by default) at the house for a couple of days. Since the animals spend most of their time in the back yard where they belong, and I spend most of my time in the house where I belong, it didn't bother me so much to cohabitate with them for two days. It was really only during meal times that I ever bothered to interact with them at all. For some reason the dogs seem to really enjoy their meals. They would get very excited every time I came out of the house with a bowl of chow, that is until I put the bowl of food within their reach. Then they would have nothing do with me, preferring instead to focus all of their energy at devouring the delicious food they had been presented with.

While standing outside with the animals, and having nothing better to do while they munched away at their food, I glanced at the package of the dog food and noticed that it was clearly labeled "Not For Human Consumption." This seemed a bit redundant to me. Since dog food is (as it obviously states) dog food, and not human food, it would stand to reason that dogs should eat it and not humans. If it were human food, wouldn't it have been called "Human Food," instead of "Dog Food?"

At that moment two things occurred to me. First of all, a warning label is usually only put on a product after some one has done something really stupid as an attempt to discourage any further stupidity. This of course means that someone, somewhere, at sometime, was eating dog food and the dog food companies are now required to clearly label their products as "Not For Human Consumption" in an effort dissuade those who may reason otherwise. Secondly, people are often times too stupid to recognize the things that should not be eaten on their own.

Even with the wide variety of dietary choices we omnivorous humans tend to enjoy, nature has still managed to provided us with a world full of things that should never been eaten (or even nibbled on or licked). Recognizing his own foolishness, man has devoted the powers of his wisdom and intellect to developing a literacy system specifically so that the things that should be eaten can clearly be labeled and set apart from the things that should not be eaten, which are also clearly labeled. While this system has been working with a degree of success since the advent of cuneiform, there are still a number of items found in nature that have never been properly labeled and are mistakenly eaten by humans on a regular basis. This behavior must stop.

In an effort to raise awareness about some of the mistakes that man has made in his dietary selection over the years, I have compiled a list of some of the more troubling items that all to commonly and errantly found in the "acceptable to eat" category.

1. Babies: It may seem unthinkable to most of us that a baby would be served up as an entree, but when was the last time you looked a baby over and saw that it was clearly marked "Not For Human Consumption?" Don't forget, some idiot ate dog food because it wasn't labeled. Who really wants to see that happen to a baby? And when was the last time you saw some young mother nibbling playfully on her baby's chubby little legs or arms? It may seem harmless enough at first, but nibbling leads to biting, and biting leads to eating. So let's address this situation before something tragic happens. Babies are not food and are not for eating.

2. Poop: Once again, this item is generally assumed to be in the "Not For Human Consumption" category, but as the internet has proven in recent months, all one really needs is a video camera and a mouth full of turds to get attention and make money. Poop is not for eating. Most poop was at one time something that may have been very suitable for eating, but once it has passed through the digestive track of someone or some animal, it looses any of its eatablity that it formerly had. Even if you really enjoyed eating it the first time, you can't just eat it again and relive the magic. Once it's been pooped, that's it. It's over with. Let it go and move on. So no more eating poop.

3. Mushrooms: I see people making this mistake all the time. Mushrooms should never be eaten by a human. Mushrooms grow on poop. They take all of their nourishment from the turds you shouldn't be eating in the first place. Since poop should not be eaten, mushrooms should not be eaten either. There needs to be at least two degrees of separation between the food people poop out and the food that grows on the poop that's been pooped. So it would be alright to feed mushrooms to an animal that you intended to eat later as long as you don't eat the mushrooms yourself. Also, mushrooms taste terrible. So from now on mushrooms are "Not For Human Consumption."

4. Mayonnaise: A pox on the French for their cursed mayonnaise! Mayonnaise and other mayonnaise like products should never be eaten. (Most French cuisine should always be looked upon with suspicion anyways) Mayonnaise is comprised primarily of vegetable oil (which is not so bad) and egg yokes which are actually parts of babies. It tastes disgusting and it looks like semen. While it may be acceptable in certain intimate situations for a lover to imbibe the seminal fluids of her partner, I think that we can all agree that it should never be spread on a sandwich. There is something terribly wrong with the food service industry in that it is assumed that everybody wants mayonnaise all over every goddamn thing. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Unlike most unwanted condiments that can be easily removed after they have mistakenly found their way onto food, mayonnaise pollutes everything it touches and destroys what could have been a perfectly good meal. Mayonnaise should be labeled "Not For Human Consumption," and fed to prison inmates in third world countries.

5. Dogs: In some cultures it is acceptable to eat dogs. I see this as a mistake. Dogs are usually fairly useful animals. They can perform a variety of tasks that make them worth having around. Unlike cats (that should be killed whenever possible regardless of any intentions of actually eating them), dogs tend to earn their keep. Compare the usefulness of a dog to another domesticated animal like a cow. What do cows do? Stand around and eat grass? What good is that? I am all for eating cows, but if you have cows to eat why would anyone ever need to eat a dog? Eat chickens, or even fish. Don't eat dogs. There's just no sense in it.

6. Tomatoes: Are they fruit? Are they vegetables? Who cares. They are ambiguous and disgusting. Like mayonnaise, tomatoes are found everywhere for some unexplainable reason and foul everything they touch with their tomato innards. Tomatoes tend to ruin food that would have otherwise been very good. They have managed to find their way into and ruin pastas, pizzas, sandwiches, salsas, tacos, and most anything else. Once a tomato has infested a food it is impossible to get the stink out by simply removing it. So no more tomatoes. They are "Not For Human Consumption."

7. Worms: Sometimes during childhood, worms are eaten on a dare. This is unfortunate. Worms do not make good food. They crawl around in the mud (and poop that is found in the mud) and are very filthy and disgusting. They are easy enough to catch and make for a filling and convenient snack the day after a good hard rain, but this behavior should be frowned upon. Don't eat worms. Instead, feed them to fish and then eat the fish.

8. Animal Genitals: Honestly. Do we really need to discuss this? It amazes me the number of people I have met who have proudly proclaimed their love of rocky mountain oysters (which is a fancy way of saying bull testicles). "Try them," is what I always hear from these people. "How do you know you won't like them if you never try them?" Let me answer that question as concisely as possible: I am perfectly satisfied with my life and can live happily for the rest of my days if I never ever take the time to find out what a bull's testicles taste like. I don't understand how these jackasses can sit brazenly in a restaurant full of other people and pretend to be sophisticated, and cultured, and worldly, and smile all the while holding onto a mouthful of balls. Do not eat animal genitals (or genitals of any kind). Balls are "Not For Human Consumption."

9. Communion Wafers: I stopped going to church because of these things. When Jesus broke bread and gave it to the disciples and said "it is my body, eat it and remember me," he wasn't passing around a stale, 10 year old, economical piece of balsa wood. I know that the ritual is supposed to be symbolic, but could it at least include real food? Don't eat communion wafers. Wait until everyone meets for brunch after the service and say a little prayer over a crouton at the salad bar. Communion wafers are "Not For Human Consumption."

10. Other people: This may seem redundant to the first rule about not eating babies, but I assure you that it is a completely seperate issue. Most babies that get eaten are done so on accident. "I don't know what happened. The baby was just so delicious looking." Cannibalism is usually a very deliberate act. You don't just accidentally eat a whole person. It has been suggested that a little cannibalism here and there might be a good solution for world hunger (less mouths to feed and more to feed them with) but it is really quite barbaric. Nobody likes being turned into poop, so lets all agree to follow the golden rule here and agree to not eat one another. People are "Not For Human Consumption."

This list is by no means comprehensive. If you come across other items in nature that you think you shouldn't eat, feel free to use your own judgment and don't eat them.